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The following originally appeared in The Guardian's Grimoires ezine and are presented here with permission.
By Abritha:
By Estara Korai:
The following articles are several years old, and especially for their presentation here, require a small amount of explanation.
The articles originally appeared in the first few issues of The Guardian's Grimoires, and because of this will appear to be pitched at Guardians rather than at Otherkin. However, it must be understood that these writings came at a time when the definition of "Guardian" seemed (at least to me) to indicate those Otherkin who were in this world in order to escape or resist the forces of unbalanced hatred and destruction of life, and to tend the health of this and the other worlds and their interconnection. These particular writings do not deal with the issues of protective magic that would make them strictly Guardian oriented by the best current definition; instead, they focus on the process of Awakening, and so are actually more appropriate here. Please read "Otherkin" for "Guardian." Little other adaptation should be needed. I will note where the writings diverge significantly from my current views.
Certain problems are common in Guardians in the process of remembering who they are. These can be avoided or curtailed if one is aware of them; or they may fade after the Awakening is complete. Should they become severe, or fail to improve after the Awakening, seek counseling, preferably from trained Pagan clergy or from pagan-friendly professionals.
MEGALOMANIA
The Guardian, beginning to realize his true nature and powers, exaggerates them and
believes himself to be uniquely Godlike. He should be assured that, although he is indeed
unusual in racial makeup and abilities, there are a score of other Guardians who can make
similar claims. If he is tempted to ideas of invincibility, he is reminded that there are
many beings as powerful or more powerful than he is: and that, like any being encased in
mortal flesh, he can die.
There may also be intolerance or impatience towards true humans. The Guardian is
reminded that these, too, are the people he has sworn to protect, and that the enlightened
among them are destined to ascend into our own lands.
We are not gods, though with spiritual striving we may move further in that direction. We
are Guardians. (Note from Abritha: this was written a long time ago, and it reflects a
somewhat condescending viewpoint that I no longer find appropriate. Humans, whatever the
flaws of their current value system, have an intrinsic value of their own, and my words
here do not adequately reflect this. I also rather regret the smugness of the comparisons
to gods. As you can see, putting aside these flawed mindsets can be an extended process!)
PARANOIA
The Guardian, remembering that we have powerful enemies and that she is not invulnerable,
becomes obsessed with the idea that her personal enemies are legion and that they are
coming to attack her. She is assured that, unless she is actively involved in some actual
working, she is unlikely to be attacked in earnest. However, she is also reminded that a
certain amount of caution is advisable for Guardians in general, and that she should
therefore practice cleansing, shielding, and banishing. Beyond this she should not trouble
herself, for confidence is itself an effective shield, and lack of it leaves any other
shield incomplete.
She is also assured of her own ability to deal with minor problems. If the time comes that she is genuinely at risk from something greater than herself, she should seek out other Guardians or other pagans who are friendly to her or her cause.
INCOMPLETE/INACCURATE/FACETED MEMORY
Memory of our Astral selves and deeds is complex and difficult to retrieve. It often takes
years to establish complete (or functionally complete) memories. The process can be sped
along by interaction with other Guardians: however, this occasionally results in
collective flights of fancy rather than facts. When the Guardian is able, he is encouraged
to check his theories with other Guardians and through astral travel. (Remember, however,
to be cautious in revealing these theories or memories to those who are not Guardians.)
Sometimes memory comes in very small pieces, and each piece is embellished by the Guardian's mind into a complete tale, only some of which is true. When this is the case, the tales often seem contradictory to each other, but contain common themes. The Guardian is encouraged to study the themes that arise from these ideas, and to pursue them, since they will probably lead towards the true memory.
RELIVING OF MEMORIES/PROJECTION
The Guardian regains a true memory (or a large fragment) of an emotionally intense event
or series of events. However, she wrongly interprets it as belonging in the present or
future rather than the past. This can contribute to paranoia (see above). She may also
subconsciously recreate the event: that is, since she believes that it is going to happen,
she unwittingly projects the people and props she needs to act it out on the astral level.
This can happen to groups of Guardians as well as to individuals.
The Guardian is urged to test whether emotionally charged astral beings are projections or are real in themselves, and to verify whether a remembered event is in the past or the future through divination if possible. She may then (if she is projecting) devise a ritual or journey to help her deal with the information she has remembered, or talk it out with other Guardians. If she has devoted a great deal of emotional energy to the projection, she may need to banish it as if it were real, before she can move on to dealing with the emotional baggage.
SCAPEGOATING
This is most common in groups of Awakening Guardians. As past memories (real or not) come
to light, there is a temptation to hold other Guardians accountable in this life for their
(alleged) actions in others. This is discouraged, since it often leads to unnecessary
discord and, of course, does not alter the original events.
FEAR OF INSANITY
The Guardian takes his returning memory as a sign of dementia. This is an understandable
concern, as our existence is hardly accepted as fact by humanity at large. it is hoped
that the Guardian will be soothed by exposure to this book, and by communication with
other Guardians and even, on a more limited basis, with other pagans in general.
INCOMPLETE/REPEATED AWAKENING
The Guardian, unable at the time of first Awakening to deal with the ramifications, shuts
herself off from the spiritual and astral realms. She may be able to exist for years in
this way: but in time, the Awakening will begin again, moving at an accelerated pace until
it reaches the point at which it was previously stopped. The re-Awakening may be prompted
by meeting another Guardian, or by some other event.
ODDITY MAGNET
The Guardian finds himself at the center of odd coincidences, unusual psychic or astral
activities, and other peculiar events a disconcertingly large amount of the time.
Unfortunately, this one never entirely goes away. The Guardian is encouraged to approach
the Cosmic Oddities to which he is prone with a sense of humor.
Guardians who have not yet completed the process of remembering who and what they are may be wondering how to speed up the process. While, unfortunately, there is no one set method (yet) for prompting recall of your Guardian persona, there are certain techniques and circumstances that may prove useful.
1. Be around other Guardians. This will tend to happen anyway, as Guardians seem naturally drawn to each other even before they remember themselves. When you are with other Guardians for any length of time, you will tend, as a group, to start remembering lives and events you have in common. In fact, this is a common way that the Awakening begins. However, if you do not find yourself among other possible Guardians, you will have to content yourself with the other methods until such time as your normal band find each other.
2. Read avidly. Both fiction and nonfiction will be helpful. You may find yourself consistently drawn to a type of fiction or historical nonfiction that will reflect something about your past. For example, you may be profoundly interested in Tolkien-like elves in fiction, which may imply elvish blood; or in vampires, fairies, banshees, devas, or whatever other "semidivine" beings. Or you may have an interest that reflects a past life, such as Civil War books or medieval fantasy or recreation. A strong interest in a place, either specific (Paris) or general (mountainous forest), can also indicate a place of origin.
3. Pay attention to your skills. Sometimes what you can do reflects what you are. This can be combined with #2 for an especially good indication. For example, a nymph is very likely to be able to attract sexual partners at will and to move energy naturally through sex. A banshee may foresee deaths and be able to speak with the dead. HOWEVER, remember that many of us are of mixed lineage, and may therefore have abilities that are not usual for our kind. Do not despair, then, if your abilities alone do not lead easily to Awakening.
4. Pay attention to abilities you have in dreams. A shapechanger may often transform in dreams; if he is of a specific type of shapechanger--say, werewolf--this might also mean that dogs and wolves show up in a lot of his dreams. Someone with a nymph background might have a lot of dreams of being in or near the water.
5. Leaf back through characters you've created for books and games. Often your true self will "test the water" with your conscious self by appearing first in the more acceptable contexts of fictional stories or role-playing games. See if there are any recurrent themes in such characters you've created. Note *any* similarity: in names, in colors of dress, in background, in abilities or experiences. Any of these might be signs of genuine memory (not just lack of creativity).
6. Meditate on pieces you've gathered so far. With a fragment of memory to start from, in the relaxed state of meditation, you may be able to access more. Try imagining yourself as your true self, filling in whatever information you can: things you might have worn (at least colors), what your features might have been like, your surroundings. Alternately, you can do this exercise visually, standing in front of a mirror in a dark room with a lit candle and asking to see yourself as you were before you came to this plane.
Do not be intimidated by the search for your true self, the one that lies beyond Awakening. What seems like an almost impossible task is actually deceptively simple, for the Self is who you really are, and it is never far from you. It only waits, just below the surface of your consciousness, for you to recognize it for what it is. Likewise do not fear that you are descending into madness, for the principles involved are little different from those that humans call finding the inner self, or the Deep Self, or the Holy Guardian Angel, or the soul, or the daimon, or the cowalker, or in a certain game, the Avatar. It is your immortal counterpart, and the source of your Guardianship.
Following are several different routes that might lead you to a better sense of yourself, and hence to your further Awakening. Use whichever appeals to you, or better yet, use two or more in combination. Some appeared, in less detail, in the second Grimoire: some did not.
THE WAY OF REASON
You may find a path to your true self by exploring your current self. Do you feel drawn to
a particular element? A certain place, or a certain kind of place? Certain folkloric or
mythological stories or beings? Certain animals? Colors, stones, plants? To a particular
culture? A certain kind of music or art? Do you feel naturally repelled by any element,
place, et cetera? What are your natural talents? Do any of them correspond to any
mythological figures or creatures? Did any mythological creatures figure prominently in
your thoughts, writings, drawings, when you were a child? Did you ever have a vision of a
particular type of being, especially as a child? (These are often either of your race, or
the race of a close spiritual friend.) What is your favorite race to play or encounter in
games? What would you really *want* to be if you could choose?
THE WAY OF SECOND SIGHT
Sit comfortably in a dark room, with a lit candle and a mirror. Arrange things so that you
can sit comfortably and clearly see your face in the mirror, with the candle lighting your
features but not glaring into your face. You may play quiet music in the background if
this helps you reach a meditative state. Look into the candle flame for a moment to clear
your mind; then turn your attention to meeting your own gaze in the mirror. Looking into
your own eyes, move deeper into meditation, focusing on seeing your true self. If you have
uncovered a name that you believe may be yours, you may chant it--if not, you may say
something like "I am I" or "I know my Self" or something of similar
meaning that appeals to you. In time you may be able to see your image shift to something
more like your true self. Without breaking the trance--and not breaking it may take
practice--make a mental note of whatever you see, in as much detail as you can remember.
THE WAY OF DREAMS
Use the method of dream programming given in the fourth Grimoire (by SharTasha--ed.) to
cause yourself to dream about your true nature.
THE WAY OF RETURNING
If you have the ability to travel in the astral, simply tell yourself to go
"home" and see where you land. If you do not wish to try this, think again (as
in the Way of Reason) about what kind of setting you enjoy most--whether it be deciduous
forest near a stream, or a rocky oceanside, or desert plateaus, or a city of crystalline
spires. Create a picture of such a place in your mind, with as much detail as you can.
Then mentally step into this image and explore it. Take note of whatever, and whoever, you
find there, and should you pass any reflective surface, look into it. If there are people,
see what they call you, or if you can entice them into saying your name. (Depending on
your natural ability and practice, this may become either a real journey to your original
home, or a fancy based on the exploration of your subconscious memory, but either will do
for this purpose.) (Note from Abritha: when I wrote this I was unaware of the number of
Otherkin whose homes had actually been completely destroyed. Obviously if there is much
chance of this, there will be no "home" to return to; so it is perhaps best to
do the imaginative version of the exercise only, until one is absolutely sure of where one
will end up going.)
THE WAY OF IMAGERY
These are inward journeys. Learn them as well as you can before doing them, or have
someone read them as you practice them, or record them for yourself. Play quiet
instrumental music if you find it helpful for meditation.
Version One: The Falls
Take a moment to relax and move into your center. Now begin to see that you are in a small
clearing within a great forest. Before you is a small, clear lake. The evening sky
reflects perfectly on its glassy waters, and in the remaining light you can still see the
colorful pebbles and smooth stones that line the bottom. You hear running water, and
looking to your right, you see that the lake ripples at its end, beneath a small
waterfall, not more than ten feet tall and five wide. The falling water shimmers, almost
radiates its own light. You feel drawn to the healing waters--for you remember hearing
that they have such powers--and you walk toward the falls. As you walk, you strip away
your clothes, your cares, all the trappings of the mortal coil that you have carried with
you to this sacred ground. As you come to the point where the waterfall and lake meet, you
see that there is a large, flat stone for you to stand upon. You step onto it--it is not
slick--and as you stand beneath the falling water, it takes on even more light. You feel
as if glittering diamonds or stars were falling all around you, filling you, illuminating
you, cleaning away all masks and illusions. The very sound of the water seems almost to
speak, in high, clear voices, about your name and your history. (Take your time here.)
When you feel completely cleansed and refreshed, walk back along the shore to a quiet spot
on the lake, and look down at your reflection. How has it changed? How do you feel now? If
you wish, explore the surrounding area for a while. When you feel it is time to leave,
give thanks aloud to the spirits of this place, put on your human guise and its
clothing--free now of their heaviness--and gently become aware of your physical form, your
feet, your hands, your eyes. Awake.
Version Two: The Library
Center yourself, as in Version One. As you shift your awareness, you see that you are
standing before a great building. Statues grace the courtyard in which you stand, and a
fountain: the building itself reaches almost as far as you can see, with a domed roof in
the center, and before the great front door are four pillars, and before them are the
steps you must climb to go inside. You feel an urge to wash your hands and face at the
fountain before you go up the steps--do this, because the building itself is sacred. When
you reach the door, you see that a picture is carved into the wood. Remember as much as
you can of this picture. Inside, under the dome, are row upon row of books, more than you
can count. The place seems lit by no source you can see, but glows with a faint golden
light of its own. At a desk to your left, someone calls to you, and as you turn, you see a
being whose gender you cannot guess. This being too is radiant, silvery-white. You tell
the being that you would like to see your personal record. The being smiles and turns to
fetch it, and in a surprisingly short time has brought you a thick hardback book. It feels
like it is bound in leather, though it is not quite like any leather you know. The being
leads you to a quiet alcove, in which there is a desk and chair. The being tells you to
read here, and to bring the book back to the front desk when you are finished. Then you
are left alone to your research. You look at the binding of the book on the side, where
the title should be. Remember any name or symbol you see here; it belongs to you. You
decide to read the first chapter, which tells about your pre-physical self. The book is
illustrated with pictures that seem to move as you watch them. The book is written in a
strange alphabet, but you find that you can understand the meaning. Perhaps it changes
into a language you can read, or you hear the words being translated in your head, or you
simply know what they mean, or even come to understand the language of the writing
directly. Other chapters of the book contain information about other lives you have led.
Take as much time to research as you need. When you are finished, take the book back to
the being at the front desk and thank it for its help, then walk back out the door and
down to the fountain. Gently begin to be aware of your physical form, your feet, your
hands, your eyes. Awake.
THE WAY OF CONFLICT
This is a way you cannot truly choose; it chooses you. Neither is it the most pleasant
way, but it does happen.
You may find that a particular being, or a particular type of being, is hostile toward you. You can use this misfortune to stir your memory. Perhaps you can divine the motive behind the being's antipathy toward you, and from this you may begin to determine what nature of being you are that would so anger this one. Often an astral enemy will either deliberately prompt your memory (so that you can remember something awful that it did to you once), or will fight you harder when you are closer to the truth (because it is afraid of your Awakening). Either of these will aid you in your search if you are aware of the possibilities. (Note from Abritha: it is important to distinguish between the actual presence of an enemy, and an enemy who is only vividly remembered to an extent that brings on a paranoid response. See the above article on Risks of Awakening for this problem. This can in itself prompt further memories, but needs to be resolved differently.)
THE WAY OF HARMONY
If you choose who you tell with care, sharing fragments of your memory with others of our
kind may help your memory return faster. Be sure to test new information for consistency
and "feel" before taking it to be true, to avoid group flights of fancy.
It is my opinion that most Guardians are probably shamanic by nature. This is, of course, a controversial thing to say, since the word "shaman" has become grossly overapplied by New Agers, and in response grossly underapplied by scholarly pagans, and so ends up having a whole spectrum of meanings that may or may not have anything to do with our current discussion.
The word "shaman" is Siberian in origin, and because of this its very strictest definition belongs only to those practicing a specific indigenous Siberian vocation. Hardly anyone uses the word this strictly, because there are so many obvious similarities of function and practices between, say, Siberian shamans and American medicine people that we feel there ought to be a word that describes both, and "shaman" has become that word. (Be that as it may, to my knowledge, Native American practitioners often prefer their own term, "medicine wo/man" and are sometimes even offended by the word "shaman.")
Several writers, including Tom Cowan and John and Caitlin Matthews, have written books applying the word "shaman" to certain kinds of pagan Celtic experiences, because of various similarities that are either seen outright or seem to be implied by the legends. I have seen hardline Celtic reconstructionists and Druids come out against this sometimes, most often with the objection that most modern practitioners, at least, do not experience the period of severe physical or mental distress that typifies the shaman's initiation in some cultures. It is this extreme experience that carries them to the Otherworld for the first time, and their ability to return to the "normal" world that completes the circuit and marks them as shamans. Admittedly, for many people this is true: and it is unfortunate that shamanic practice has become a Flavor of the Month in New Age practice, another sacred calling reduced to self-help tool for the middle class. (A friend of mine who works in a bookstore has gotten in trouble more than once when someone has pronounced themselves a shaman to her, and she has responded, "Really? What are you doing to heal your community?")
But from what I have seen, this is *not* what typically is going on with Guardians. Although I have not discussed the Awakening with every Guardian I know, for those with whom I have discussed, *every one of them* went through a serious crisis involving their physical or emotional health, and came out the other side with their calling. One was born with severe heart defects and was given little chance to live even to the age where they could do the surgery. (This was many years ago: today they could do it at birth.) If he survived, he was supposed to become a sickly, weak person. He passed through the waiting period a perfectly normal child; after the surgery, he became quiet and introspective--signs in some cultures that a child has been, or soon will be, "called"--and worked on his physical body with a will beyond his years, becoming not only healthy but an athlete and martial artist. He is, of course, a warrior. Another went through a period of deafness (among other problems) in childhood of which he was later healed, and grew up to take an interest in magical uses of music; a third moved through a number of severe (even life-threatening) allergies to become a gifted "sensitive" psychic.
My own Awakening was not so dramatic on the physical level: the most I can boast of is an unusually long series of ear infections and a gangrenous little finger (it was saved--I still have a full set). My breakdown was purely mental. Since we have received requests for personal stories of Awakenings and other experiences, I have decided to share a little bit of what happened.
There had been signs of me going "this way" from very early on, but nothing dramatic, nothing with which we need to concern ourselves. I'd read some Egyptian and Greek mythology; I had an interest in ESP, which was fashionable at the time. (It was the early 80's, and I was a preteen.) I had recently come up from Judy Bloom-type books to more adult fare, so I'd read a couple of fantasy novels. Liked them well enough, but that was it.
Even if you were old enough then, you probably don't remember a show called "Wizards and Warriors." It was a cheesy live-action show, trying to cash in on the new popularity of Dungeons and Dragons, which my parents had not allowed me to get. It starred some okay people--Jeff Conaway from _Grease;_ Julia Duffy; Duncan Regehr, who went on to the _V_ series and a _Zorro_ series on cable; the guy who was the Emperor in _Empire Strikes Back_ but not in _Return of the Jedi_--anyway, it was pretty awful, and it only lasted for one season. I watched it anyway. The show revolved around the conflict between a good light-haired prince from the South (and his wizard, his sidekick, and his dumb-as-a-post princess girlfriend) and an evil, dark-haired prince from the North (and his wizard and his smart-but-slutty witch girlfriend). You know the routine, right? Pretty standard stuff.
So I was watching this show one night, and my mind started wandering. It wandered into a place full of greener-than-green hills. I noticed vaguely that I looked different to myself. As I hadn't yet read any Celtic mythology, I didn't think anything special about the place (except that I loved it instantly), or about the white raven that came to meet me and offered to help me in a female voice. I cast one last thought back to the mundane world and the show I had been watching, the flimsy retelling of the clash of light and dark. "That's not how it happened," a newly awakened part of my mind said, chasing after the white bird. "It happened like *this*...."
And that began a long series of travels through my own memories of the Otherworld. It went on for months, each journey more vivid than the last, filled with images both more beautiful and more terrible than I had ever imagined--and each one branded unmistakably as personal memory. Of course I had no idea what was going on, and I was mortified. I thought I was going insane. I tried to stop and couldn't. I started to have visions of the future. (It sounded like much more fun in theory than it was in practice! LOL!) I developed a morbidly intense longing for the people(?) and places I had loved, coupled with an equally intense dread of those I feared breaking into my waking world after me--very lonely and very paranoid. There was much writing of morose poetry, much dabbling in what little occult knowledge I could get my hands on, the occasional tearful confession of my madness to close friends. A couple actually took me seriously and tried to walk in my world for a while, whether or not they could: but most people ended up avoiding me like the plague. I was too weird. I was, to use a telling and traditional word, fey.
Even after the greatest crush of feeling crazy was gone, I spent years trying to assimilate the experience in some meaningful way. A normal secular upbringing just doesn't prepare you to deal with going fey the way a traditional pagan culture would have. How nice it would have been if someone had come up to me and said, "I see you've been visiting Faery. Some people can, you know, and it's a useful thing to be able to do. Let me give you some useful tips." No such luck. I tried dismissing the whole thing as a temporary psychosis, born of the stress of living in an inhospitable town. That didn't take. I tried looking at it as symbolic of various fears that I had developed, but that felt backward--the fear came from the memories, and was out of all proportions from anything I had experienced in the mundane world. I tried to turn it into some sort of Jungian archetypal psychology involving various aspects of my animus and whatever. That was nice and all, even helpful to parts of my mundane life in some cases, but it wasn't quite right. I tried ignoring it entirely and hoping that it would go away. No.
No, I was fey and that was all there was to it.
Now that I am much older, and I hope better integrated as a personality, I know how common it once was to pass into Faery through a greener-than-green hill, led by a white animal. I know that magick, the fey, and the gods are real, not creations of my feverish young mind alone. I know that my past, my nature and my calling exist outside the fantasy games and novels and, so help us, cheesy television shows, and are connected to worlds more vibrant than this one has been for a long time. And I know that it is when those rich lands and peoples touch the earth, through the likes of us, that this weary land stirs to life again and regains the will to heal herself.
How much easier our lives might have been if someone had told us all of this from the beginning.
